Annoyed

Okay, so I'm in one of those moods where a puppy could annoy me. Right now everything is pissing me off... well not everything but most of it. And NO I'M NOT PMSing... not close. Anyway, so I'm at Apple Jacks' house taking care of his dog for the day 'cause he misread his ex's plans and worked today while she was still in Hawaii on vacation. It annoys me. And what really annoys me is that it shouldn't annoy me. Walking his dog and feeding her isn't cramping my style in any way. I didn't have anything better to do really but still... annoyed.
Apple Jacks forgot his ski bag (we're leaving to go to Jackson Hole soon) and needed me to "find" it. Ugh, that was annoying that he forgot it but... find being the operative word... my annoyance doesn't end there.
This boy is a pack rat in ever since of the word but the singers. He keeps everything. He has broken light fixtures, boxes full of year old bills and such under a basket of more bills. If anyone knows me they know I'm organized. I have files color coded. I do detailed book keeping. I know where my shit it. Apple... doesn't. Annoying
"The ski bag is in the storage place." Descriptive... I know... why it didn't jump out at me from... behind the air duct and under a suit case full of god knows what but by the look of the edges sticking out of the seam I'm guessing bills... I don't know... Yes annoying.
Now, Apple Jacks is near and dear to my heart. Nothing he's actually done has any right to annoy me... it just is... and that's annoying all on it's own. Like a downward spiral... the sock on the floor is annoying me but I know it shouldn't be annoying me and than that annoys me and then it causes the PILE of mail on the side board to annoy me... but really what did the mail to do me other than be at least a year old and never move. It keeps going.
So now I'm going to tempt fate... I'm going to drive into the city to see Mr. C. Me... driving in the city... not always a good pair. But I have the direction... I have my book on tape so hopefully this annoyance bug will go away.

Post Gluttony

This Christmas I got a new Digital Camera... It's the prize gift this year, not to shadow the others they were also good. Thank you EVERYONE! But... really... every one or five of my blog readers should be happy I'll no longer be doing bad pics with my camera phone. Here are the fruits of my new PINK camera's labor!

Abbie with a new book (It was all a little over whelming)

My dad practicing with his new "club"

The true Princess

"Cheese Grammy!"

And of course the Fam.

Christmas... yeah I fixed it

Yesterday, I was totally excited about Christmas. Not only is all my shopping done but so is all my wrapping. I have two gifts for my dad, one gift for mom (she's really hard to shop for), one gift for Oma, three gifts for Amy, one for Ian, two for Tao, four for Apple Jacks and four for Abbie. I can't fit my family's gifts into one bag. I think, i did well this year, in terms of getting people useful, good surprising gifts... well except for mom but I already told her Apple Jacks didn't think it was right... and he's found the ability to channel her (freaky.. but that will be an other entry) so he probably knows better. When I was little I use to draw pictures for my brothers and call it "art" and a gift. Ah, the life of a child in an art focused family. I also use to go into the sport closet and pull out some of my dad's fishing flies, put them in a new box and "re-gift" them, but I think I did that more for his birthday than Christmas.
But I love Christmas. I love buying people gifts. I especially love getting gifts. I love the Christmas lights, the sent of pine in the air. I'm not as crazy about the holidays as Amy, she starts the Christmas carols the day after thanksgiving, but seeing the tree in Tilden Park all lit up makes me smile.

My life and too much of it

Okay, I know I don't really have a right to bitch... I'm the one packing my own life full of stuff, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel I'm going to be burning the candle at all ends. This next weekend, I'm up to Tahoe to get some runs in on my new board. Then I have my last normal, calm week. Probably too clam. But it will give me a chance to get things ready at the house for a party I'm throwing the first weekend of January... a party that 30 people were invited to and only 11 people have RSVPed and four of them are throwing the party and two others are who the party is being thrown for. That's what this week has in store. That and finding the perfect gift for Emily... oh and my Oma. 'Cause what's next Sunday... oh yes Christmas Eve... then Christmas... Then a busy week of getting my boss packed up out of her old house and into their still being remodeled house. Then it's up to Tahoe for New Years leaving from there to go to Jackson Hole, getting back just in time to throw the for mentioned party.
Okay now we're in to January... I work then head to Thunder Hill (car event) for the weekend. Come home and work, and breath before I pack up and head out to Palm Springs for a horse show the last weekend of January.
Now we're into Feb... a hell month for me... one that not only has the expectations of V-day with it's heart and chocolate but also my birthday. I spend the first weekend back down in Palm Springs to ride come home... work... fly to the Bahamas for a week (I know boo hoo for me). Come home on V-day (poor Apple Jacks... and my silly girl expectations) and five days later go to a track event at the ever famous Laguna Seca. The ending day of the event is my Birthday (I love my Birthday, and day where I get to feel like the world revolves around me, where I get gifts, where I'm truly special... that day kicks ass). And now the Spinster has invited me to go to New York City, leaving 48 hours after I'd have gotten home from the track event.
Here it is. I've never been to the big apple. I'd love to go, especially with a bunch of crazy girls to paint the town red and pretend to be Ms. Hilton and Ms. Richie and be debotiourious (yes, spelled wrong). "You can sleep when you're dead!" She said to me, "you're only young once." All of this is true, but here is the thing, I'm a bitch when I don't get much sleep, and I don't feel so young.
So I'm tangled up about what to do... I want to go, but at the same time I want to spend some time at home. I want to do NYC right, not rushed and hung over. I want to have tons of $$$$ to spend endlessly on all the same things I could buy right here in Union Square but with a beauty of the NYC on it. Maya might be able to join us down from Rochester, Emily might be able to join, though I think she'll be dieing from studying.
I know I work all of 10 hours at week at one job, 11 hours at another, substitute one day a week and babysit one day a week. On a busy week I work 50 hrs. On a slow week I work 20 hrs. I constantly feel like I have to justify my busyness. I'm just worried that I'm too busy... that I'll burn out... that it's irresponsible for me to take even more time off to do "personal" stuff. I just... I want to sit on the couch and watch TV.

Apple Jacks and I at a friend of mine's Christmas party.

Oh and yes, I'm wearing my new shoes and my feet didn't hurt a bit!

Meeting General Mills the Makers of Apple Jacks

(To understand the true stress level I should mention that on Thur. and Friday I drove over 100 miles to ride my horse for two hours.)

This has been a family filled weekend. Apple Jacks' parents were in town. They were in the LA area for a conference and flew up to see two of their children that live up here. Now, I haven't even meet Apple Jacks' brother (due to time) so when I hear, "We're going to have dinner with my parents and my brother on Friday." I get a little... excited. Oddly I wasn't worried if the 'rents were going to like me or not, I know Apple Jacks doesn't hold their opinions high in his mind, but I still wanted to make a good impression. I am dating their oldest child.
Friday: Apple Jacks is in a fine mood, not. His brother picked a restaurant that happened to be about as far away as London. His parents ditched his idea on a hotel and picked a lesser hotel right near the freeway in Oakland. And it was pouring rain. I meet the folks, and the term fits them well. Dad was just what I expected: dry humor and quiet. Mom was just quiet. I tried so hard to make conversation in the car ride from the hotel to the restaurant, but we get a little lost and Apple Jacks isn't in a conversation conducing mood. Long and short, we make it to the restaurant where their is no parking. Apple drops us off, that's right leaving me alone with Mom and Dad. We go inside to find brother already there. Brother asks me questions, and we chat about things I expected him to know about me but then I remember how not close Apple is to these people. It feels like 15 min has past, no Apple. Suddenly, the power goes out. The wait staff bring out candles and we keep eating our hore'dervs. Then another 15 min and in from the door is Apple Jacks soaked head to toe and REALLY pissed off. "It's REALLY FUCKING SHITTY OUTSIDE." He says as he sits down. His dad looks at him and goes, "What makes it really fucking shitty and not just crappy outside." At this point Mom, who's been semi oblivious to the banter that had started say, "Oh look, the rain is going sideways out there."
If this didn't make of an awkward enough evening the food we were eating was crab, wear a bib around your neck, use your fingers, sucking on some shells crab. Dinner was... interesting... trying to eat food you can hardly see, and with people you hardly know. We finally finish, wash hands and head outside. The boys go and get the cars and once again I'm left with the parents. We talk weather... which last about three sentences. We are silent more or less the whole car ride home and drop them back off at their hotel with some sort of plan about brother coming over the bay to have brunch. We say our nice to meet you's and Day 1 of the parents is done.
Yes, there is another day of his parents where the conversation has more flow and I care much less about "impressing" them and more about chatting it up with his brother's girlfriend. We said our nice to meet you's again and goodbyes and drive carfully's. I now have an understanding of the makings of the sugary sweet that is Apple Jacks.

My Christmas

Okay, so Christmas has come early, but it's a personal Christmas


The other day I got me this:

A 154 Salomon Ivy. It's been almost 6 years since I've gotten a new board so I thought hey it's time.

And today I bought THESE! A sexy pair of Nine West shoes. I'm wearing them right now as I type this!

Friends Father Died

My best friend in high school's father died a few weeks ago. We aren't that close anymore, but I couldn't imagine high school without her and our friendship. I'm sending a card to her family, I can't make the "Rememberance Service" so it's the next best thing I think. But what do I say?

Dear Scary Old BMW Shuttle Guy,
I know you're old and this shuttle job isn't your dream job. I know you probably do it just to keep yourself busy and keep out of your wife's hair for a few hours a day. But really... you were going 60 on the freeway. This is California, people go 80 on the freeway on average. We were getting passed, while getting dirty looks, on both sides. But that's not all. It was the picking of your nail. No, not even that. It was the looking down and picking at your nail. Really eyes on the road PLEASE! Last, but not least the coughing. I know at times it's uncontrollable and I do thank you for rolling down the window to cough out it, but it was the swerve the car did when you went to turn your head. My life flashed before my eyes.
I hope you made it home safe,
Aundra

Desisions... you've just got to live with them

Lets go back in time a bit here. Not too far, maybe Feb. of 2006. I know, i'm not truly streching the bounds of my time machien. I got all dressed up in my suit, the one my sister-in-law helped me pick out, and my pointy shoes to go to a job fair. I filled out several applications and shmoozed with a few princpals and supper attendents. I saw that MDUSD (that's Mt. Diable Unified School District) was doing interviews. This is one of the biggest districts in the east bay. They have schools that are about to go under with only 2 kinds in a class who speak English to schools that are the highest ranking in the state. I said... fuck it I'll interview... even if I don't want to work for them (they are also known for pink slipping their teachers until they know how many they can hire back next year... lame). I interview. I don't give a shit. I have fun. I talk and charm (i know I didn't know I could charm either). I leave the interview. I talk to one other district and start to leave the job fair, I had to ride. As i'm leaving, on the phone up dating people about the fair, I hear my name. I turn around and it's one of the principals who interviewed me. "We want you to meet with the supper attendent!" she gasped at me. Sure, why not. I meet. The S.A. interviews me again. Then she hands me a paper. "This says you'll come work for us in Augest." I said I'd think about it. I passed. I wasn't ready to commit in Feb for a job in Aug.
Okay lets skip a head>>>>
Aug. I've interviewed for several other schools. Just as a note not for the schools I worked my ass off for the past school year. No, the four or five openings they had... no I wasn't good enough. Oh, but I can get stompped on for three months. ANYWAY, it's Aug. and I have no teaching job in site. I was offered, and took, a personal assisting job for a women I use to babysit for.
Present Day>>>>
I substitute on average one day a week. I turn down, on average, one sub job a week. I tutor four days a week for 1 1/2 to 3 hours a day. I get my kid time. I get my teaching time... or at least that's what I say to myself. I was offered a long term sub job at the same school I work at last year that would have gone from March to the end of the school year. But I'm able to go to yoga and work out and ride and have lunch with friends. I'm able to take time off to go to horse shows and snowboard.
In February I made a decision. I chose two in the bush... and I am where I am? I'm not complaining or whining or bitching. I've got a good thing going on and I won't deny it. At times I miss the classroom, but I sub all day on Friday for the first time this school year.... we'll see if I still miss the classroom.

Thanksgiving

Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Mine was spent up at Tahoe enjoying some of the COLDEST weather I've felt all year... well besides mornings in my unheated bedroom. It was a good time had by all. The whole pumpkin pie was eaten as well as a whole apple pie (not all on Thanksgiving Day, just before we left Tahoe). I think it was just the right amount of time to spend with family. I think I only snapped like a teenage girl at my mom once near the end and over the whole four days, rolled my eyes at my dad less than a dozen.

Here is Abbie playing with my necklace. Yes it was just the fam, but we still try to look good.

And of course the turkey. Abbie loves meat! (eww perverts she's way too young! one word illegal!)

Pet Peeves

I HATE HATE HATE when people say they are going to do something... then don't. Whether it's call, e-mail, show up, whatever. If you say, "I'll give you a call around 7am tomorrow." Guess what?! I'm going to expect you to call me. You say, "I'll be there at 8." I expect you to be there sometime around 8 (I give 15 min windows... but I'll still give you shit 'cause I was probibly there at ten till). If you say, "I'll bring the cookies." Yeah that's right I expect mother fucking cookies. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I'm a strong beliver of, I guess, following though on your word.

I was told this was better

This is my injury.

I know not the best picture but hell. I was the least injured out of everyone, and if I'm able to walk out of a car that looked that that A4 with this as my biggest physical issue than I'll take that.

Pondering

I have a memory of my Uncle and his then wife talking to me about marriage. This is the story I was told.
They went to have the "pre-wedding" talk with the priest. He looked at this newly engaged couple and asked them one question. It wasn't Do you love each other? or What are you dreams? It was "How do you squeeze your toothpaste? The middle or do you roll it down?" My uncle and soon to be bride looked at each other... I'm sure a phrase like WTF went though their minds. "We've lived with each other for years and that's never been a problem." This lead me to believe they both squeezed differently. They were married and had three boys. After 20 some odd years of marriage they went though the most bitter, messy, painful divorce I've known any people to have.
How do you squeeze your toothpaste?

The Track Event

This weekend I had an Audi event up at Sears Point raceway. I had two students, a B student (who doesn't have track time 'til the afternoon of the first day [I never got to have her as a student... it will make sence soon]) and a D student. Students drive the car while instructors are in the passanger side giving directions. My D students had been on this track five other times and has done several Auto-X events. The D-students did one run group early in the morning. It was raining and my students car liked to jump around. He was doing a great job of keeping it under control. Second run group, a little less wet but not by much. Second lap my student looses traction around turn four. That wasn't the problem. He got it back just in time to lose it again in the kink that is turn five. The back of the car stepped out and snap (meaning lost traction) we went sliding to the left edge of the track. Shit... you don't go into mud sideways. Two wheels could sink and the rest of the car could keep going. Roll over roll. THat wasn't what happened... What did was a freak coinsidence... I look up and there about 30ft away in out line of slide is a black car, sitting still, no moving. We keep sliding... they don't move... their passanger side tail light meets the center of the driver side of the car... at 35 to 40 mph

The driverside seat air bag went off. I have a distinct imprint in my memory of my student breathing in and out the powder that fills the air when the airbag went off. My student, in the driver side of this car, has one cracked rib and two brused ribs. I, in the passanger seat of this car, have a severly brused elbow, bruse from the seatbelt and a sore neck. The other car that left that nice bumer/tail light imprint on the back door there... well the passanger/instructor has a severly brused shoulder and some whip lash. The driver of the other car wasn't that lucky. He was leaning over to start his car (it stalled when he went off the track). When we rearended his car he had the farthest to travel. He couldn't move his arms. He got Hella Flight out of there... to John Muir in Walnut Creek. As of last night, his family was flying up from LA to be with him and he was able to move his legs and move his fingers.
DON'T LIFT IN THE CORNERS!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I have to say about that. Both me and the instructor in the other car got back out on the track to drive... our students weren't so lucky. Two totalled cars.

LA

Okay, so I'm not into writing right now but I feel like my weekend needs an update. Apple Jacks came down, we spent 60 hours together and could not only stand being around him afterwards but also... lo-and-be-hold... wanted to keep hanging out with him. Anyway, he met my brother, Tao, the artist. Came to a furniture/gallary opening that showed his stuff, as well as LOTS of other people's stuff. He saw me ride, and hung out at a horseshow for two days and still he wanted to hang out with me... amazing. I didn't ride steller but rode fine. No big issues or mistakes, or booboos in the ring. I meet one of his friends and that was great. She was nice and funny and also came to see Tao's work.
All in all, not a bad weekend.
What's in the works this week... a track event at Sears Point.

Las Vegas

For once what happened in Vegas isn't going to stay in Vegas basically because it wasn't a Vegas "vacation" for me. Hell, I didn't even make it to the strip. I was at a horse show. It was busyness as usual for me. The two days I wasn't mentally there. I think I was caught up with some shit that went down back at home. But today, Sunday, when it counted I pulled it together. I rode. That's not to say I wasn't riding great all weekend (I got third on Friday) but Sunday, rather than feeling like I was sitting there like a well trained monkey, I rode. Out of 22 horses only 7 went clean the first round. Out of those seven only three went double clean... I was not one of them. I was, as always, the fastest four faulter. One rail. Four seconds faster than the winning combination but still in fourth place. That's okay, next week it's off to LA (Apple Jacks is coming down to watch, though I don't know if he knows what he's in for. {I read on the plane today that most people wait 3-6 months to ask their significant other to Thanksgiving dinner...}) and it's a whole new week anything can happen.

Halloween

This Halloween I got to spend a bit of time with AIA and the folks. I keep wondering what we did a bit more than two years ago before Abbie... life must have been boring. But anyway, I don't have any pics of my gogo out fit but my dad did call me Barbie if that means anything... I'm not sure it does. Well, i limited myself of pics but these I had to share."swick-o-sweat"

Only in Berkely do you get Organic cookies, a toothbruch, tooth paste and M&M's

But her favorite were the sweat tarts. Mmmm kitty loves sour!

Fall Back

This weekend was not only the time change for me, well for all really except Arizona sometimes, but I also did a lot of "falling back" off the sides of mountians at Yosemite. Apple Jacks, me and 20+ other of his friend's friends' friends spent the weekend up in California's greatest National Park.

As much as I wish this was a picture of me, I didn't bring and don't own a digital camera so..., but this gives you an idea of what I was doing. Just an idea.

Anywas, it was fun. The loads of people were a bit hard to handle. The fact Apple Jacks fell asleep at 8pm durring the Pot Luck dinner with all these people i didn't know around me and left me to survive wasn't to bad. (It was his grumpy, i feel sick, pre coffee pissyness that truly was annoying.) I did some great climbs. The longest climb I've ever done at 60 meters. It was a great climb with a great view of a medow and the opposite side wall of the valley. And dispite my nerviousness about being around 20+ strangers (I knew six of them before I came) it wasn't that bad. Nature is a beautiful thing.

New Addition To The Side Bar

Okay Okay so after some technical difficulties I think it's fixed. Enjoy!

Disney has ruined many a generation

It's 7:56am and I'm laying in bed totally not wanting to get up when I hear "rrrrvvvooom" going down the road near my house. You know what I hate? I hate that there is a part of me that hopes that thinks this is Apple Jacks on his motorcycle coming to say good morning, coming to surprise me 'cause we didn't have a chance to talk last night. Is this possible? Not really. a) his motorcycle is not 100% put back together. b) he should be either in a train or a car on his way to work c) my house is in NO way shape of form on the way to his work.
Why am I like this? I can only think of one thing that has perpetually made these dreams of being put on a pedestal, being made to feel like a princess, on one thing... Disney. Years of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Little Mermaid, even Robin Hood telling me that my prince will come and sweep me off my feet. He will be cute and charming and bring me little thoughtful gifts for no reason. He'll chase down every women in the kingdom to try on a shoe just 'cause we dance all night. He will charge though a forest of thicket and slay a dragon. He'll battle the witch of vanity to save me. He'll fall in love with my song and still fall in love with my voiceless charm and beauty. He'll battle my evil uncle to right the wrongs of the world.
These are my example of love, of romance. At times do they make me want to puke? Yes. But at others I want a guy who will sleep on my parents porch to see me first thing in the morning 'cause he couldn't wait (My father for my mom.)
I know life is never a movie. I know life is never perfect. I know these are dreams. I just hate that they are dreams. I hate their impossibility, they non reality.

Willy

My mother adopted/resuced a Fox Terrier. He's a bundle of energy... pulled me along while I was running this morning. He'd look at me whenever I walked and be like "Hey, Why are you walking? Running is WAY more fun!" But anyway, here he is.

AIA vs Apple Jacks

That's right. I can't mention the meeting and not do a follow up. And yes Apple Jacks was late but he tried and you can only control traffic so much. It's just a lot to ask. A guy who normally doesn't get home 'til 8 to ask him to get home two hours earlier... that's a bit time difference. So, 20 min late, not to bad.
All in all it was great. Abbie made an effort to be comfortable with him, which is saying a lot for a two year old. He talked a bunch with Ian about cars and other stuff that I partially zoned out for. He talk with both Ian and Amy about Syracuse (yes I did have to look up how to spell it and yes they all went to the same college). I totally zoned out for that, something about crazy squirrels and dorms and different restaurants. I wanted to interject about the squirrel that got shaved at Lewis and Clark but I couldn't get a word it. That and Abbie was way more entertaining than the conversation about a dark, cold, gray place I've been to once.
At one point Apple Jacks tickled Abbie's feet and it made me smile. The cutest thing was when she walked off to bed and said "Night Night Apple Jacks." (No she did not say Apple Jacks but I'm still not ready for his name to go, though most people who read this know who he is... but it's way more fun to call him Apple Jacks.)
All in all it was good. I got the call the next morning for the AIA update/approval of Mr. Apple Jacks. And that I will keep to myself. That's mine at the moment. If you need to know I'm sure I'll tell you soon but in all everyone can know it was great food, decent wine, and good conversation.

My weekend

This weekend I was up in Sac for a "local" horse show. After showing in Canada and doing some hard shows in the LA area I just don't quite have the same respect for my smaller shows any more. Anyway, enough of my snobbery, I'll keep it simple for everyone and just say. I did well over all. Not stellar, but not to shabby. I think I might have won enough money to pay for most of the show costs.
On another note. Apple Jacks. Yes, things are still good. I would have liked for him to come to the horse show but he was up in Seattle for work and to hang out with some friends. He had one realization while gone that he told me about that I feel is blog worthy. That is, it's hard to have friends who live far away. (No Shit... Try your three closest friends living far away!) I think, or hope at least, that he has a new grasp on what my friendships with my three away girls is like. Who knows, he's a boy, I'll never understand what goes on in his head.
But Apple Jacks may be blessed with a new name and a character to go with it. That's right. Tony the Tiger. And no it has nothing to do with the fact that I think he's "GREEEAAATTTT" but it has to do with his flakiness. Not just flakiness, I mean I could have gone for special K with that was all, but his FROSTED flakiness. It has to do with the fact that in my life time, the 100,000's of flights I have taken, I have never totally utterly forgotten and missed my flight. That takes talent, and my boy has it. So for this entry he will be Tony. He will be my giant frosted flake. And one day, some day soon I hope 'cause we have dinner plans with the first family group, AIA, he'll be timely.

Oh My God SO CUTE!!!!

And People Say Cali Doesn't Have Seasons!

Willow Springs

This is a video of the tack I spend Monday and Tuesday going around and around.
Here a map of the track. The key hole on the upper left brings you up hill. Turn three goes up, four is flat, and five is down hill. The rest is flat. Turn four is the only turn that I wasn't floored coming out. It was an amazing track, fast. Exited turn 1 at 85, turn 2 at 90. I entered turn 8 at 100-105.

What was the best, and is always my favorite, part is the instructing. My student was great. He was a quick learner, had smooth hands, great at tracking out (the exit part of the turn). By his last run he was entering the fast turns at the same speed I was (he had more horse power [as most do out there] so was able to get up to speed out of the corners faster than I was) and being smooth, safe, and carrying that speed well. He didn't exit as fast as I did, but he was doing great.

What was also great was my former student from Button Willow who was back down again. He had a different instructor, which is good. He's chipped his S4 Avant, got tiers, and soon will get breaks. He was having a blast out there. It was great to see his use the basics I drilled into him the first time. Two rules: 1) You don't brake while turning or turn while you're still braking. 2) Whatever speed you enter a corner, that's the speed you picked, you can't lift and go slower or break or anything. That's the speed you picked, that's what you, at the very least have to maintain.

It was a good, long, exhausting, two days.

New Roomies

This is Sam and Sophie. They are only estimated to be 8 weeks... yet they aren't even 2 lbs yet and are smaller than my shoes! SO CUTE!!

Bloging

I've been feeling the need to blog. To vent... to chat... to get some shit off my chest. But last time I did this... wrote on a whim... I pissed some people off... so I'm thinking before I'm writing (If you know me, you know this is not something that comes naturally). So... here is my thinking before speaking.
This has been a hard week for me. Starting at midnight on Saturday night or Sunday morning all depending... it started to unravel. I guess I started to unravel. It was almost like PMS... yet not the right time for that. So I've become nit-picky... Temperamental... Needy... Short fused... and roughly a bit unstable. And of course who is most effected by this but Apple Jacks. Who do I lean on, pull on, want everything from... but Apple Jacks...
Is this where I want to be when we've only known each other a month? NO! I am I putting pressure on myself because I'm putting pressure on him? YES! Do I want to do that? Hells, NO! Ugh, so am I only making myself pissier and shorter fused 'cause I'm pushing... which is making me push more... AHHHH it's a f-ing spiral. Maybe I just need a but load of chocolate... or some shopping!

Abbie's B-day

Egg On My Face

Apple Jacks and I have been seeing each other new almost a month. I've told my closest friends, my eldest brother, and my mom and dad. But who I havn't told was Ian, Amy and Abbie. "Why," you might ask, "have I not told my closest of relitives?" It's been busy. Abbie had her second birthday and I've been out of town... it just hasn't been great timing. But, while I was out of town, in AZ with my mom, my dad had dinner with AIA (Amy, Ian, Abbie). At this dinner he mentioned I was seeing someone. I'm sure, knowing my dad, he was fuzzy on the details, but none the less...
Tonight, I sit at the table with AIA, I'm babysitting, and squeal, "So, I'm seeing someone." And they look at me straight faced and say, "We know, you Dad told us." Ugh... Here is my closest family branch and I got caught sharing something big with other branches. But, they had fun making fun of me, and then asked questions. They'll meet him soon. You ready Apple Jacks?

I'm Sorry

So Sorry

Okay, so I hurt some feelings and I want to say I'm sorry. I'm much more understanding than I think the blog came across. I know everyone is busy and as much as I think the world should revolve around me I know it doesn't. I know people, well most people, are about 10,000 times busier than I am (not so hard to do, as I write this in my swim suit after sitting in the sun down in Arizona). And I understand. And I am, no matter what I do, related to my mother... that verbal filter... yeah don't have it. But I'm working on it.... slowly.
Kisses to All My Girls in the EST. I love you more than you will know.

Grad School + 3000 miles - internet = X?

My three closest friends live across the country, well one in a different country but same time zone and the others. Ms. M lives in northern NY, Ms. E lives in western Mass, and and Ms. T (aka the Spinster) lives in Toronto. Everyone knows a friendship takes work. It's like a plant. You need to water it, but not too much. You need to make sure it's getting the right nutrition, and sun light.
Now, to my surprise but joy, Ms. T and I have found a great balance in the 3000 miles, 3 hour time difference, busy with grad school friendship. We talk, some times every day, others once a week. We e-mail. We comment on blogs. We communicate. We get the right amount of each other's lives but not so much either of us wants to puke.
Ms. M and I are a little different. We talk maybe once a week but we'll talk for almost an hour. We'll cover the basics of what's going on in each other's lives keeping it to the big things (Tasha and I will talk about what we did that day, little things). She's the person who, when she's here... it's like she's never left. We laugh at stupid shit, we sit and watch tv, ect. But when she's away you feel the distance and that's fine, that's who it is.
Now here's the dilemma and I can't be mad but that doesn't stop my from being annoyed. If you've used your powers of deduction you'll know who's left. Ms. E. No, Ms. E didn't do it in the study with the rope (Clue reference. It felt needed with all these Ms.s). She's busy. She's got school, a job, a boy and a dog. She lives with boy and dog. The whole internet thing drives me nuts... she doesn't have her computer hooked up. Just her boy's and he's on his computer all the time, also being in grad school. She doesn't read my blog much, or anymore to my knowledge now that she's moved. It's also odd to me that, though she has a cell and Ms. T doesn't, she is infinitely harder to get a hold of. If I call her cell it's normally off... or rings and rings and I get "Hey, it's Ms. E leave me a message and I'll get back to you." I don't even leave messages any more. Worst part is she'll call me and I'll just miss her call so I call back five min. later and does she pick up... no. Where did she god, she just had her phone.
Being the studious person she is, she turns her phone off while she's busy with work... but here's the thing, if she's not at school, or at work, she's studying. I only talk to her while she's walking the dog, walking/driving to or from class. And she hates talking while driving (so not a Californian).
So I'm at a loss. Do I need to start writing her letters via snail mail? We did that for a bit 'till I lost a letter in the mail and it stopped the cycle. Do I take a deep breath and just wait... wait for this year of grad school to be over? I mean shit... I can't be mad at her, it's school, it's life that's keeping her busy. It's not that she's out partying and doesn't have time to talk, or busy with her boy (though when they started dating it was equally hard to talk to her and if we did... not talk about him and we made it though that {Ms. T if I ever just talk about Apple Jacks please hit me}). So here I am stuck with the equation: Grad School + 3000 miles/3 hours - internet=????. It's like really hard algebra (and you thought you'd never use it again).

A Shaky Foundation???

I have a lot to say but very little desire to share it all, but here I go.
I spent my whole weekend with Apple Jacks and it was great. I didn't want it to end. We did face one hick-up.
We are walking down the street wait for a table for Sunday brunch... I had my fingers hooked in his back pocket. La-de-da walkity walkity. I hear foot steps coming up behind and I slowly menuver Apple Jacks and I over to make room for this faster walker. All of the sudden I hear, "Apple Jacks!" We both look and there to our left is this dark hair woman. Apple Jacks and her chatted about how she got a new car or something and Apple Jacks seemed to be a little uncomfotable. I just watched. This chick starts to walk away and she turns over her shoulder and says something about introductions. Apple Jacks blushes, tries to get the chick to stop walking and do introductions. She finally turns all the way around, still walking, and says "It should just be said he's dating multiple people." and storms off.
I give Apple Jacks a look and start laughing. This had to be the most spiteful, bitter comment. She was oviously hurt by him and wanted to spit it in his face, and my face. What still astounds me is I didn't flinch. There is no part of me that would think Apple was seeing other people. We are so comfortable and so intence I don't think it would be posable... who could have the energy?
What was the worst part was, though none of this got into my head, it did get into Apple Jacks. He felt like an ass. He totally explained himself. He was dating her (3 dates) and meet me and stopped "thinking" about her (I think there was a date or two overlap). So, he didn't call or e-mail her back. He admits this was a shitty move and the wrong choice, hence her getting in his head.
Later that day he got an e-mail from the dark horse and felt the need to e-mail her back. The next day he called her to "close the deal" where she eventually started the "Why aren't I good enough?" and "Why do I only date people for three dates? What's wrong with me?" Which solitified any doubt he might have had that he was doing the wrong thing.
But here's the deal... My biggest issues to start with when it come to any sort of relationship, busness, friend, more... is TRUST. Here is a big trust issues and I'm only slightly worried. He has given me, to my knowladge, full disclousour. And I know only time will tell and only time can build trust. So... I don't know.... I guess i'm hanging on and doing my best to build a solid foundation.

Back in the Saddle

For the past two mornings I've gotten to sub. Back into the classroom. I've been back in two different first grade classrooms. It's been nice to get back into the classroom, slowly of course. I still know how much I don't want to ONLY sub. I like that I have other things to do. I like that yes, I have to pick up and drop of the dry cleaning. I like that I have to do the shopping get the light bulbs. I love that I get to tutor three days a week. I like the one on one with the kid. I like that I have an interview on Monday with a tutoring company. I wonder how I'm going to work the kid I work with, with the tutoring time I'll hopfully be doing. I guess, I'll just deal with that when it comes. No need to count chickens before they hatch.

Snoop

Okay, so last night I spent the night at Apple Jacks'. This morning he had to get up early to head to work, where I had an hour more I could sleep, undisturbed. This meant I was alone in his home. That's right, free roaming. I poked my nose into the closets. I looked at his CD collection, in alphabetical order... like mine was/is/was. I opened his fridge, which only contained some milk and tofu (ewww). And of course I opened the bathroom cabinets. Now, here was the only surprise I found... OB tampons. Hmmm... Okay, no girl wants to find hints of past girls. I don't want to find the underwear they kept at your house, or the extra t-shirt. And I especially don't want to find their tampons. I'm sure one day I'll be thankful for them being there but right now... not so much. Worst part is I have a rule. You snoop, you deserve whatever you find. So when he asked me "Did you find anything that surprised you?" I said, "No." Why? I don't know. Are we open and honest with each other? Yes. Do I have any reasoning for not telling him? Yes. Of course I don't want him to think I cared. I know he's had other girlfriends, we've talked about some of them. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be reminded of that fact. Ugh... Stupid tampons.

Update

Life seems to keep moving along and I just don't seem to be able to keep my blog up to date. So here's my try. This weekend I was down at Pebble Beach for a show. I was entered in the 4'6" classes but as it turned out there weren't enough people to fill the big class (exept Saturday where there were two of us) so things got dropped down to 4'3". Friday night was the professional class. I rode agains both my trainers. Having had two nights with little sleep (one due to my fucked up crazy mind and the other thanks to Apple Jacks aka boy) I was glad the fences were a bit smaller. I go in the ring and remember why I love this sport, why I can't seem to quit, why i'm broke 'cause of it. I make it all the way to the second to last fence and get a rail down (not enough leg over the top) and I drop into fourth place. Not bad, still beat both my trainers. Won something like $500 and paid for most of the horse show. Saturday, fences back up to 4'6" and they were... my heart in my head. I have a GREAT warm up. I go into the ring and canter up to the first fence and just stare at it. Stella, being the being she is, reches deep down and tries to figure out why her mother is just sitting there when this big jump is coming up on a half stride. So we chest it, well Stella chests it, we suffer down to the next fence and fianlly I pull my shit together. The rest of the course was beautiful. Lo-and-behold I got second... yeah it helps when there are only two people in the class. Sunday, back down to 4'3" cause there wasn't anyone else to show against me. Not to sound cocky but I go in and win. Not bad considering Stella's been sick.
Okay, I was asked for an Apple Jacks up date. All seems well. As I said Thur. night we had date three, yet it felt like date 300. We went out, had dinner and had a "grown up date" meaning we didn't just sit at his house and make out all night, it was only all early morning, cause we were out being "grown ups" 'til 1:30am... stuck in traffic. Oh and doing some PDA. It's odd to have such a level of comfort with someone when we really don't know each other. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to look at me and say, "no, you're not cool enough." Or "no, you're too needy." Or "sorry, I want someone a little more adventurious." Or the ever fearful, "sorry you're great but I just don't think I have time for this." So part of me is holding my breath, keeping a little distant, though that hasn't work much. (Is it odd that Build Me Up Buttercup by Save Ferris is playing while I write this... i swear Itunes is on random... "buttercup don't break my heart"). I'm doing everything so I won't bethat girl who starts pushing away so he doesn't push me away first.... though as i think back I don't think that's anything i've ever done. Girlie panic hasn't really happened, thought i've teatered on the edge, and most importantly I've never has it when he's around... and when he's around I can't not touch him. Hand on the shoulder, knee, hair. I don't know I've never trusted puppy love... I worry it will grow up and be a big pit bull. I'm working on it. I'm working on, as I say, just rolling with it, enjoying the comfort.

Flyers

F-ing pissed at the library and the community center. How can a former teacher say such things about a public service, and one that helps kids? Because they took down my flyers. Yes, I know... lame that I'm putting up flyers and I'm not looking for a roommate or selling a used bowling ball. I was advertising my serviced... no not that, get your mind out of the gutter. My tutoring survices. Helping kids! Where else to put up a flyer than at the library and the community center, but NO they ripped it down. Ugh and I worked so hard on them. They at lease could have told me not to put them their. Well, I get to try it again. Maybe I'll put something up on craigslist.

My hump day has no hump

I don't work on Wed. I don't know how this came about but my boss isn't home much on Wed. so there didn't seem to be a reason for me to go to her house. I do have stuff to do. Sit on hold with ATT, program numbers into her cell phone, learn to use her new phone so I can teach it to her, and I think there is more but I can't remember at the moment I'll have to look at my to-do list.
Now this means I did not get out of bed until 9:30. I didn't take a shower until 11 and I haven't left the house yet... and probably won't for at least another hour or two... though I should. I also have stuff to do for myself. I have to copy the plans for the house I drew and fixed (silly dad... he thinks he's an architect). I should file the three inch thick stack of stuff in my To Be Filed slot. I should do some book keeping, I was all caught up as of two weeks ago and it felt so good. I should get some food since all I have in my fridge are some eggs and... yeah I think just eggs. I don't even have anything quickly edible in the freezer. I ate the last of it last night... didn't make it out to the store.
Here's the thing. If my day was packed, if I had lots to do, like yesterday, I wouldn't be sitting on my ass watching the DVRed Daily Show for an hour and half. I wouldn't be writing this blog. I won't be sending 500 stupid girl e-mails to my friends 'cause I have nothing better to do with my brain. But alas, my hump days are like Sundays with fewer people to hang out with. And defiantly less cool than my last Sunday! Though I did get a cool e-mail from my parents about riding camels and dealing with pushing street venders!

My neighbors Again!

This time Daddy wasn't around but one of the babies took a good long look at me like... "What are you doing in that house in my back yard?" When I was asking him, "What are you doing eating the grass in my back yard?" Part of me wants to get a salt lick and adopt the deer... But really the much larger part of me knows that having deer want to hang out with you isn't natural.

Connection

Have you ever had such a strong connection with someone that even though you just meet it feels like home? Where you've spent all day with them and the next day you wake up and think... was that a dream or was that real? A feeling where, though you've spent less than 12 hours together, you feel like you've known them forever? Where you are comfortable sitting in your underwear talking about your family? Where you realize... you're so comfortable you have no choice but to be your weird quirky self. Awkward pauses aren't there, but filled with aha of this feeling. Where you think... I knew there were people who had this... people out there where this could be... but could this be it for me. The feeling where the puzzle place snaps in perfectly in the spot, not the last piece by any means, but the spot that you've been searching for. That's the feeling I woke up this morning. Now the true question... when will the total girlie panic kick in!?!

Books

Right now, while I wait for my book club book to arrive, I'm listening to one book on tape, Lucky, and reading an other. Lucky was $9.99 at the bin at B&N and Are You Out There? was given to my by Tasha. Here's the jist. Lucky is about Alice Sebold rape... happy fun book. Are you Out There? is about the main character dealing with her husbands death. What the fuck man it's like self tourture. I'm in my car hearing about rape then I sit at the Dr. office and read about grief. Fuck-an-eh.
On another note really quick... work (new job) is boring!!! but fuck it's easy and I get to do what I want, tutor and ride. Also, I have a date tonight. It was last night be he was "too tiered after buring man" yeah... no comment. But I did have a dream he came to pick me up three hours late and I ran and hid. What does that say about me. Depressing books and fucked up dreams... hmmm sound like my life.

The Croc Hunter

The croc hunter died. He got stung by a singray. It's stinger went under his rib cage and into his heart. Damn... and we all thought he would get eaten by a croc. He was a good man who left behind a daughter and wife. Who will entertain us on late night TV defying death?

Boy oh Boy

So Ms. T has been getting herself all caught up in the web of love or like or whatever. Basically the web of a boy. Now, do boys know they weave these webs? This tangle of "do they really like ME or just the idea of me?" and "Will they buy the cow when the milk is not only free from me... but so many others... and isn't milk a bad analogy... it spoils... shouldn't it be honey. Yes, that's it. Why buy the bees when you get the honey for free?" I've found myself with this dilemma. This boy who I've always had a thing for... he's the orchid to my bee. I buzz and sometimes I get pollen and sometimes... well I get blown away. But he's my favorite flower right now. And as I watch Ms. T get caught in the stickiness of the peddles of her boy I have been forced to look at myself and wonder how stuck am I. What am I really getting from this flower that I have been unable to find in other flowers? Why the flower that half the time his peddles are closed or he's up and left town for a week or he's only visiting for two days with his other flower buddies (though never quite the same quality of flower).
Fuck... I'm confusing myself. But isn't that how it goes. I wonder how many blogs out there are girls batching... stressing... wondering about boys VS boys doing the same about girls. Aren't we meant to be the mysterious ones? Aren't we Eve leading men to their destruction? But why do I feel like boys will be the destruction of me?

Why I should not be aloud around cameras drunk

What's gross is you can see where I had done the face before on the glass next to me.

This is the space needle I mean opps the CN tower. I didn't go up it but hell Tasha took a picture of it for me.
Me painting on the open canvas
I painted the archy thing and Tasha did the blue dots!
Oh and she filled the square with blue... does she like blue???
We went to the shoe museum and got to try on shoes. These light up when you walk.
These where just cool!

Don't we make beautiful ballerinas!

Toronto

One of the things that tells you, you have a great friend and friendship, is when you haven't seen eachother for a year and it doesn't matter. For all I knew, well all I felt, I had seen Tasha a weekago. That was the vibe. There was no rush to see things, or do things together to be nestalgic (yeah we know I can't spell). I mean shit, we had four goals this weekend: go to the shoe musiem (fucking English), go shopping, make out with boys, and watch a stupid dance movie. All but the last was accomplished with a passion and vigor that only two great friends could have. I've been waiting to get pics to really tell the tail of Toronto, but Ms. T hasn't been feeling well, and is a bit tangled in life so I understand. But I thought there needed to be a mention of it. Plus the flying Stella pic was getting old as the first thing I saw.

SUPER STELLA

I wanted to try to add on a Super Man cape, but it was too much work for me. I know few who read this understand this picture but I think if you look back and look at the other pictures of me riding and this one, you should see that here she's trying REALLY hard. Her knees, that are normally paralle to the ground, here are angled upwards. Her nose, normally right between her knees, is between her hoofs. This is my amazing amazing horse.
For those who do understand, she started (rather I asked her to start) jumping about three or four feet farther away "normal" (two to three feet away). And to add to that distance this fence is an oxer, two rails, that are three and half to four feet apart. Add that up, and my horse had to have the tallest part of her arc be nine feet from where she took off. I'd draw a diagram but... really I think i'm just confusing even myself and I've been doing this for 20 years! The best part is she didn't even tought the rails! AMAZING!!! Here I'll just give you an other pic.

I SPUN I SPUN I SPUN. I just had to share. I spun all this with my creeky wheel (I can't seem to find my oil though I have a clear image of where it lived at my old apartment and where it should be... that and I haven't really looked. I suffered with the unlubed wheel). An hour and a half and a bit of a cramping calf later this is what I got done.

That's right. A frog on a rock. This was given to me by my father for a christmas, or birthday a few years ago. I redsicovered it while pulling my spinning wheel out of the cloest. The card that went with it said something along the lines of, "If you kiss it, maybe your prince will come." I know you all wish you could have my family!

Back in the Saddle

We all know I will never have to Litterally worry about leaving the "saddle" but this time I'm not talking horses. I'm talking the spinning saddle, the crafty saddle. In two days I leave to see the craftiest of them all, Ms. Tasha. Now, I "let it slip" the I have all this fiber I haven't used or even looked at in like two years. "BRING IT AND GIVE IT TO ME!" was the first words out of Tasha's mouth as I left this infromation out of my mouth.
I feel like I should talk about how Ms. T and I got started on this crafty path.
(Cue misty flash back sounds and wavy lines)
It all started back in the winter of 2001/2. Tasha said, why don't we learn how to knit. Okay, sounds good. Tasha and I had gone to the local craft shop, bought a book about knitting and some yarn and needles. Tasha found undiscovered ways to add stitches and made a pink trapizodal hot pad and I discovered the need to look at dye lots and made my ex boyfriend a two toned scarf. After some healthy competition we both learned and improved, Tasha buying knitting things are every garage sale she could.
"You want to learn how to spin? There is a spinning class back at the local yarn show and I rally want to take it." I'm sure there was some of the patentied Tasha whine after that but I'm not 100% sure. So, we took a spinning class, and like the knitting I grasped it a bit faster than Ms. T. Looking back at this we've realized that this was probibly a good things. Tasha's competative sprit came out and she became a better fiber person (?) than me.
2003 the day of shock and aww school was "optional". Teacher guessing most of the students at our liberal acts school would be protesting. Well, Tasha and I drove to the boonies of Oregon and found our selves some spinning wheels and more fiber than our brains could wrap around.
(Fade back into today)
So I was looking through all my fiber and thinking, hmmm what should I bring to Tasha and I found this.

"Hmmm, " I thought. "This is some beautiful wool... I think I'll spin it." (Sorry Tash). Now to spinn this I needed to empty some bobins. The first bobin just needed to be wound, of course I can't find my knity knoty (due to lack of use I bet it up and left to find a home where it would be loved), so I did my best to just winde it up. (I have pics but Blogger won't let it download)

Next I had to ply some wool that was already spun. I only had one bobins worth so I had to Navajo ply, something that isn't easy... but with a minimal amout of tangle and fuss I cleared that bobin as well. (Once again, no downloading).

So now, I was all set to spin (I'm a rather private spinner. Something about the dorkiness of the activity that makes me need to be comfotable with who views my spinning) and my roommate's mom, she staying here this week, shows up with some small child (grand kid?). So the beautiful red wool will have to wait... hmmm now I wonder if I have more wool to bring Tasha???

Reading

So I'm worried. I'm worried I read to much. I'm worried I use it as an excape. It's become my boob tube. I don't read books that are partucularly aww inspiring. I don't read much non-fiction unless you count the memear (so not spelled right). But this might not make sence, but this is my worry, that I read so much to make up for the lack of entertainment in my life. I'm not saying I sit on my ass all day, I do keep fairly busy with horses and kids and stuff but my two best friends live across the country. My friends here aren't nearly as close yet, though one is kind of, we're building it. I don't got "paint the town red". Hell, this Friday my roommate was going to go bowling at 10:30 and I was like, that's too late for me. I have to ride my horse tomorrow. Dude, I didn't ride until 2:30. So yeah I feel i'm hiding from my lame life in books. Should I be worried?

Oh yeah, I kicked ass on my "big" class on Thur. night. Like totally kicked ass. Rode so well I was almost crying tears of joy as I left the ring!

Cutest Cowgirl Ever

My God is she not this cutest picture ever. She even has the cutest pink cowboy boots, or are they cowgirl boots... Whatever. Still cute. She got her first hair cut today. Exciting!
I was wondering if it okay that I'm 25 and love nannying. I love taking care of kids. I love playing legos with them, drawing, playing games. I don't even mind getting kicked while having to unplug the TV. I leave these people's homes and I smile. I feel good. I mean it's great to feel satisfied by your job but at 25 should I love taking care of other people's kids... is that okay... is that right... is that "normal". I mean I know teaching is the right thing for me to be doing with my life, just maybe not right now, but is babysitting a "grown up" alternative?

April Fools (Four Months Late)

For April Fools I dyed my horse blue. Her show name is Deja Blue so it was a play on her name, and a reason to paint a white horse blue. Now, we also painted one of the kids ponies pink. Her grandma was in charge of pictures... It has taken this long for the pics to come into my possetions but here they are. My Deja BLUE.

BOYZ

I have a bad habbit and I don't know if it's me, or if it's a girl thing. But I let guys crawl into my head. I think about words they said over and over and wonder what it means. I think about actions or lack of actions and wonder what it meant. I do this until i'm blue in the face. I do this with my romantic friends point of view (who's phone in roming), my realist friends point of view, with my straight forward no regard for my feelings about it friend point of view. So that's right... I've had a boy find his way into my head (a date) and I've only hashed out with my straight forward friend and my head. So i'm freaking out. I'm doing the what if's, what did that mean, why did he do that, why didn't he do that, and over and over saying it's out of my control, the balls in his court. But here is just one of the things i've hashed over and over. This guy was eger to meet me "I hate waiting." So.. it's been two days and I haven't heard... and i'm thinking dude if he "can't wait" and here he is "waiting" what does that say. Is he doing the 3 day thing, or is he just "not that into me" according to the ONLY person i've been able to hash this all out with. This is why I hate dating. I hate this shit.

My replacement for issue G

So this is what I got to replace my spirl necklas that I wore everyday for the last 6 years. I thought it was a bit more of a grown up version.