Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'm Sorry

So Sorry

Okay, so I hurt some feelings and I want to say I'm sorry. I'm much more understanding than I think the blog came across. I know everyone is busy and as much as I think the world should revolve around me I know it doesn't. I know people, well most people, are about 10,000 times busier than I am (not so hard to do, as I write this in my swim suit after sitting in the sun down in Arizona). And I understand. And I am, no matter what I do, related to my mother... that verbal filter... yeah don't have it. But I'm working on it.... slowly.
Kisses to All My Girls in the EST. I love you more than you will know.

Grad School + 3000 miles - internet = X?

My three closest friends live across the country, well one in a different country but same time zone and the others. Ms. M lives in northern NY, Ms. E lives in western Mass, and and Ms. T (aka the Spinster) lives in Toronto. Everyone knows a friendship takes work. It's like a plant. You need to water it, but not too much. You need to make sure it's getting the right nutrition, and sun light.
Now, to my surprise but joy, Ms. T and I have found a great balance in the 3000 miles, 3 hour time difference, busy with grad school friendship. We talk, some times every day, others once a week. We e-mail. We comment on blogs. We communicate. We get the right amount of each other's lives but not so much either of us wants to puke.
Ms. M and I are a little different. We talk maybe once a week but we'll talk for almost an hour. We'll cover the basics of what's going on in each other's lives keeping it to the big things (Tasha and I will talk about what we did that day, little things). She's the person who, when she's here... it's like she's never left. We laugh at stupid shit, we sit and watch tv, ect. But when she's away you feel the distance and that's fine, that's who it is.
Now here's the dilemma and I can't be mad but that doesn't stop my from being annoyed. If you've used your powers of deduction you'll know who's left. Ms. E. No, Ms. E didn't do it in the study with the rope (Clue reference. It felt needed with all these Ms.s). She's busy. She's got school, a job, a boy and a dog. She lives with boy and dog. The whole internet thing drives me nuts... she doesn't have her computer hooked up. Just her boy's and he's on his computer all the time, also being in grad school. She doesn't read my blog much, or anymore to my knowledge now that she's moved. It's also odd to me that, though she has a cell and Ms. T doesn't, she is infinitely harder to get a hold of. If I call her cell it's normally off... or rings and rings and I get "Hey, it's Ms. E leave me a message and I'll get back to you." I don't even leave messages any more. Worst part is she'll call me and I'll just miss her call so I call back five min. later and does she pick up... no. Where did she god, she just had her phone.
Being the studious person she is, she turns her phone off while she's busy with work... but here's the thing, if she's not at school, or at work, she's studying. I only talk to her while she's walking the dog, walking/driving to or from class. And she hates talking while driving (so not a Californian).
So I'm at a loss. Do I need to start writing her letters via snail mail? We did that for a bit 'till I lost a letter in the mail and it stopped the cycle. Do I take a deep breath and just wait... wait for this year of grad school to be over? I mean shit... I can't be mad at her, it's school, it's life that's keeping her busy. It's not that she's out partying and doesn't have time to talk, or busy with her boy (though when they started dating it was equally hard to talk to her and if we did... not talk about him and we made it though that {Ms. T if I ever just talk about Apple Jacks please hit me}). So here I am stuck with the equation: Grad School + 3000 miles/3 hours - internet=????. It's like really hard algebra (and you thought you'd never use it again).

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A Shaky Foundation???

I have a lot to say but very little desire to share it all, but here I go.
I spent my whole weekend with Apple Jacks and it was great. I didn't want it to end. We did face one hick-up.
We are walking down the street wait for a table for Sunday brunch... I had my fingers hooked in his back pocket. La-de-da walkity walkity. I hear foot steps coming up behind and I slowly menuver Apple Jacks and I over to make room for this faster walker. All of the sudden I hear, "Apple Jacks!" We both look and there to our left is this dark hair woman. Apple Jacks and her chatted about how she got a new car or something and Apple Jacks seemed to be a little uncomfotable. I just watched. This chick starts to walk away and she turns over her shoulder and says something about introductions. Apple Jacks blushes, tries to get the chick to stop walking and do introductions. She finally turns all the way around, still walking, and says "It should just be said he's dating multiple people." and storms off.
I give Apple Jacks a look and start laughing. This had to be the most spiteful, bitter comment. She was oviously hurt by him and wanted to spit it in his face, and my face. What still astounds me is I didn't flinch. There is no part of me that would think Apple was seeing other people. We are so comfortable and so intence I don't think it would be posable... who could have the energy?
What was the worst part was, though none of this got into my head, it did get into Apple Jacks. He felt like an ass. He totally explained himself. He was dating her (3 dates) and meet me and stopped "thinking" about her (I think there was a date or two overlap). So, he didn't call or e-mail her back. He admits this was a shitty move and the wrong choice, hence her getting in his head.
Later that day he got an e-mail from the dark horse and felt the need to e-mail her back. The next day he called her to "close the deal" where she eventually started the "Why aren't I good enough?" and "Why do I only date people for three dates? What's wrong with me?" Which solitified any doubt he might have had that he was doing the wrong thing.
But here's the deal... My biggest issues to start with when it come to any sort of relationship, busness, friend, more... is TRUST. Here is a big trust issues and I'm only slightly worried. He has given me, to my knowladge, full disclousour. And I know only time will tell and only time can build trust. So... I don't know.... I guess i'm hanging on and doing my best to build a solid foundation.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Back in the Saddle

For the past two mornings I've gotten to sub. Back into the classroom. I've been back in two different first grade classrooms. It's been nice to get back into the classroom, slowly of course. I still know how much I don't want to ONLY sub. I like that I have other things to do. I like that yes, I have to pick up and drop of the dry cleaning. I like that I have to do the shopping get the light bulbs. I love that I get to tutor three days a week. I like the one on one with the kid. I like that I have an interview on Monday with a tutoring company. I wonder how I'm going to work the kid I work with, with the tutoring time I'll hopfully be doing. I guess, I'll just deal with that when it comes. No need to count chickens before they hatch.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Okay, so last night I spent the night at Apple Jacks'. This morning he had to get up early to head to work, where I had an hour more I could sleep, undisturbed. This meant I was alone in his home. That's right, free roaming. I poked my nose into the closets. I looked at his CD collection, in alphabetical order... like mine was/is/was. I opened his fridge, which only contained some milk and tofu (ewww). And of course I opened the bathroom cabinets. Now, here was the only surprise I found... OB tampons. Hmmm... Okay, no girl wants to find hints of past girls. I don't want to find the underwear they kept at your house, or the extra t-shirt. And I especially don't want to find their tampons. I'm sure one day I'll be thankful for them being there but right now... not so much. Worst part is I have a rule. You snoop, you deserve whatever you find. So when he asked me "Did you find anything that surprised you?" I said, "No." Why? I don't know. Are we open and honest with each other? Yes. Do I have any reasoning for not telling him? Yes. Of course I don't want him to think I cared. I know he's had other girlfriends, we've talked about some of them. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be reminded of that fact. Ugh... Stupid tampons.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Life seems to keep moving along and I just don't seem to be able to keep my blog up to date. So here's my try. This weekend I was down at Pebble Beach for a show. I was entered in the 4'6" classes but as it turned out there weren't enough people to fill the big class (exept Saturday where there were two of us) so things got dropped down to 4'3". Friday night was the professional class. I rode agains both my trainers. Having had two nights with little sleep (one due to my fucked up crazy mind and the other thanks to Apple Jacks aka boy) I was glad the fences were a bit smaller. I go in the ring and remember why I love this sport, why I can't seem to quit, why i'm broke 'cause of it. I make it all the way to the second to last fence and get a rail down (not enough leg over the top) and I drop into fourth place. Not bad, still beat both my trainers. Won something like $500 and paid for most of the horse show. Saturday, fences back up to 4'6" and they were... my heart in my head. I have a GREAT warm up. I go into the ring and canter up to the first fence and just stare at it. Stella, being the being she is, reches deep down and tries to figure out why her mother is just sitting there when this big jump is coming up on a half stride. So we chest it, well Stella chests it, we suffer down to the next fence and fianlly I pull my shit together. The rest of the course was beautiful. Lo-and-behold I got second... yeah it helps when there are only two people in the class. Sunday, back down to 4'3" cause there wasn't anyone else to show against me. Not to sound cocky but I go in and win. Not bad considering Stella's been sick.
Okay, I was asked for an Apple Jacks up date. All seems well. As I said Thur. night we had date three, yet it felt like date 300. We went out, had dinner and had a "grown up date" meaning we didn't just sit at his house and make out all night, it was only all early morning, cause we were out being "grown ups" 'til 1:30am... stuck in traffic. Oh and doing some PDA. It's odd to have such a level of comfort with someone when we really don't know each other. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to look at me and say, "no, you're not cool enough." Or "no, you're too needy." Or "sorry, I want someone a little more adventurious." Or the ever fearful, "sorry you're great but I just don't think I have time for this." So part of me is holding my breath, keeping a little distant, though that hasn't work much. (Is it odd that Build Me Up Buttercup by Save Ferris is playing while I write this... i swear Itunes is on random... "buttercup don't break my heart"). I'm doing everything so I won't bethat girl who starts pushing away so he doesn't push me away first.... though as i think back I don't think that's anything i've ever done. Girlie panic hasn't really happened, thought i've teatered on the edge, and most importantly I've never has it when he's around... and when he's around I can't not touch him. Hand on the shoulder, knee, hair. I don't know I've never trusted puppy love... I worry it will grow up and be a big pit bull. I'm working on it. I'm working on, as I say, just rolling with it, enjoying the comfort.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


F-ing pissed at the library and the community center. How can a former teacher say such things about a public service, and one that helps kids? Because they took down my flyers. Yes, I know... lame that I'm putting up flyers and I'm not looking for a roommate or selling a used bowling ball. I was advertising my serviced... no not that, get your mind out of the gutter. My tutoring survices. Helping kids! Where else to put up a flyer than at the library and the community center, but NO they ripped it down. Ugh and I worked so hard on them. They at lease could have told me not to put them their. Well, I get to try it again. Maybe I'll put something up on craigslist.

My hump day has no hump

I don't work on Wed. I don't know how this came about but my boss isn't home much on Wed. so there didn't seem to be a reason for me to go to her house. I do have stuff to do. Sit on hold with ATT, program numbers into her cell phone, learn to use her new phone so I can teach it to her, and I think there is more but I can't remember at the moment I'll have to look at my to-do list.
Now this means I did not get out of bed until 9:30. I didn't take a shower until 11 and I haven't left the house yet... and probably won't for at least another hour or two... though I should. I also have stuff to do for myself. I have to copy the plans for the house I drew and fixed (silly dad... he thinks he's an architect). I should file the three inch thick stack of stuff in my To Be Filed slot. I should do some book keeping, I was all caught up as of two weeks ago and it felt so good. I should get some food since all I have in my fridge are some eggs and... yeah I think just eggs. I don't even have anything quickly edible in the freezer. I ate the last of it last night... didn't make it out to the store.
Here's the thing. If my day was packed, if I had lots to do, like yesterday, I wouldn't be sitting on my ass watching the DVRed Daily Show for an hour and half. I wouldn't be writing this blog. I won't be sending 500 stupid girl e-mails to my friends 'cause I have nothing better to do with my brain. But alas, my hump days are like Sundays with fewer people to hang out with. And defiantly less cool than my last Sunday! Though I did get a cool e-mail from my parents about riding camels and dealing with pushing street venders!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

My neighbors Again!

This time Daddy wasn't around but one of the babies took a good long look at me like... "What are you doing in that house in my back yard?" When I was asking him, "What are you doing eating the grass in my back yard?" Part of me wants to get a salt lick and adopt the deer... But really the much larger part of me knows that having deer want to hang out with you isn't natural.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Have you ever had such a strong connection with someone that even though you just meet it feels like home? Where you've spent all day with them and the next day you wake up and think... was that a dream or was that real? A feeling where, though you've spent less than 12 hours together, you feel like you've known them forever? Where you are comfortable sitting in your underwear talking about your family? Where you realize... you're so comfortable you have no choice but to be your weird quirky self. Awkward pauses aren't there, but filled with aha of this feeling. Where you think... I knew there were people who had this... people out there where this could be... but could this be it for me. The feeling where the puzzle place snaps in perfectly in the spot, not the last piece by any means, but the spot that you've been searching for. That's the feeling I woke up this morning. Now the true question... when will the total girlie panic kick in!?!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Right now, while I wait for my book club book to arrive, I'm listening to one book on tape, Lucky, and reading an other. Lucky was $9.99 at the bin at B&N and Are You Out There? was given to my by Tasha. Here's the jist. Lucky is about Alice Sebold rape... happy fun book. Are you Out There? is about the main character dealing with her husbands death. What the fuck man it's like self tourture. I'm in my car hearing about rape then I sit at the Dr. office and read about grief. Fuck-an-eh.
On another note really quick... work (new job) is boring!!! but fuck it's easy and I get to do what I want, tutor and ride. Also, I have a date tonight. It was last night be he was "too tiered after buring man" yeah... no comment. But I did have a dream he came to pick me up three hours late and I ran and hid. What does that say about me. Depressing books and fucked up dreams... hmmm sound like my life.

Monday, September 04, 2006

The Croc Hunter

The croc hunter died. He got stung by a singray. It's stinger went under his rib cage and into his heart. Damn... and we all thought he would get eaten by a croc. He was a good man who left behind a daughter and wife. Who will entertain us on late night TV defying death?